Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
