Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
