Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
