no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
