I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
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