hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
