you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
