my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think i got beer on your cat.
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