I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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