I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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