dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
