This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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