Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
