so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
