So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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