Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
