I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
