: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
