i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
