My sheets look like a crime scene.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
