I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
