I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
