i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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