Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Did I show you my penis last night?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
