She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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