I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
