I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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