I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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