Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize