i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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