You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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