You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
