What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
