Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
