Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
