Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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