They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
