does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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