I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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