Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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