Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
