I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
