fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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