I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
