My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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