she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
