I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
