i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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