ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
