Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
